Let go and Let God

Since I’m back few friends have told me that I’m changed, for the better mostly. Friends who knew me for a long time were surprised at how laid back and relaxed I can be in uncertain and disorganized situations. This is perhaps what I’ve learned from my time in the philly land, not being overly stressed or trying to make things work exactly as the way I like it. Well, back in Brissy my life used to be managed by three diaries and two calendars to say the least. Now, I don’t even keep one diary. yellow mushrooms grow in the bathroom and I’m okay with it. I overcame my life-long fear of water and learned how to swim and actually was swimming in 5metre depth pool. And I went to a Korean church!

When I came back I had no one to rely on but the Lord Himself. Amazingly, He has placed help and provisions on every corner..just to mention a few, the first girl who I said I’m looking for a place to stay, was living in a house with two empty rooms with extremely low rent fee, I was unpacking in that house in 2 hour. Later I found out the location of the house was exactly the area which I was wishing to move to. (I moved in without knowing the location coz I felt it was done by God) The landlord was exceptionally kind to take me back and forth to the bank and all other places I had to visit to get my life sorted again. Besides, he knew cars very well and had a friend who was a car dealer, so I got a huge bargain for a very neat and solid second-hand car on my first week.

My dear friend who is mission for a year mentioned about her concern of having to start the life again on her return. I smiled and said, “God DOES and WILL take care of you.”

Yes, I can tell you that much.

I got ya.

glimpse of my journey

I guess it’s time to clean up the house after coming back from a long journey almost a month long. Some has been thinking whether I have abandoned my blog just like many other have done. Me being me, I’m still open for a business unless I completely remove the sign above the shop, like I have recently done with my facebook account.

Anyway here’s a glimpse of my journey so far since graduation.

Early December, my course in the Philippines is completed and I graduated. A degree was not what I was after. Uninterrupted time with God was. Being stored away while learning the hidden things of God was. Reconciliation with myself and God was.

I joined a ministry of evangelistic crusade in Manila, where healing and salvation were happening each night. I saw some amazing things I have never seen before. Feeding the poor and the less privileged to show the love of Jesus, sharing the Word and the testimony..life is so alive there.

Kids ‘attack’ to get more candy-with built in survival instinct everyone else becomes a competitor even in these little ones lives.

                                                      

Flied to South Korea, and visited DMZ at the border of South and North Korea. revisited the under ground tunnel the NK dug to attack the South, the history and the current situation led me to the prayer, looking down the NK land. That was the day that the leader of NK died, which has been announced couple of days later. (therefore when the above picture is taken, he was already no more)

                                                       

Since my brother is entering the army on February our family didn’t, in fact no one, welcome the sudden tension caused at this particular time. People are basically selfish beings, if a sacrifice is needed we hope it wouldn’t be ours. But it doesn’t work that way, as it’s been said, if we never ask “why me?” in time of blessing, we shouldn’t ask “why me?” in time of hardship.

Sudden change of scenery- flied to Boracay for a true graduation holiday. It was the most beautiful beach I have ever seen in my life. New year shouting and hugs and fireworks on the white sand beach would never be forgotten. And what happened in Boracay surely stays in Boracay, under that eye-hurting white sand.

Regenerating much needed VitD while hilling on the beach. For too many years, I never cried because of farewell..before my best friend from Japan, miss Nakagawa. In some way I am glad to get my tears back, I feel like a human again.

I flied to Shanghai to attend my ex-sheep’s wedding. There was, three of my ex-sheep serving China in a great measure. Things happened in this country has deeply touched my heart, I know that I have a family wherever I go because of the same Father we have.

For the extreme changes in temperature during the trip I was enjoying different tablets and medicines of each country. Korea was as cold as -20 degrees while Boracay almost 30 degrees, Shanghai was 3 degrees and Australia? whopping 36 degrees on the day of my arrival.

Couple of days ago I moved to a new city where I have not lived for a new start. My fb account is erased. For almost a month I lived on disposable goods and samples., and when I finally unpacked my luggage in my own room, I know that I’m finally home.

My name is Esther.

Bus stop

5 more days left in Baguio, where I called home for past 18 months.  Walking along the main rd in the city, I was reminded of the very first day I came to this foreign land with one 20kg luggage.  What’s built in me is the spirit of settler that constantly leading me to the venture into the places where no one comes to the airport to greet me.  I had my due struggle as if the world around doesn’t make sense except myself.  Now, I know that I was the odd one that came from nowhere to disrupt the peace and tranquility. Think of the mess-ups and resentments-over-nothings make me chuckle.

I remember the first farewell in Australia which I didn’t take it very well.  When days of depression and grief were done, I came out with a realization that our lives are like a bus stop.  People come, stay for a while while they are waiting to get on to the bus to their next destination.  As their buses arrive, we give them a warm hug and say goodbye.  Some may stay shorter, some longer.  But all moves on, and in time, our very turn will be coming as well.  Some relationships stay connected longer despite of the distance in between, while others may quickly be replaced by new comers.

 

Although it may not be possible to stay forever with each other, albeit we will in eternity with some of them, we can still choose to make an impact on the lives of others who stay in our bus stops.  We remember some people who have made that strong impression in our heart while they were still with us, and some to the extend of changing the shape and direction of our very lives.

What people would remember about us will testify what we leave behind. And to think of that greatly humbles me today.

His way, not my way

Dad used to say “If you face the problem, don’t sit down mourning about it. Get up and find a solution, best solution possible.” Growing up under a single mother who raised up 7 sons by herself, he had to be mature and independent at a very young age. When he was still a child, he had to sell water melon, ice cream, news paper and chewing gums to survive each day. He is someone who knows what it is like to survive in a cold society that nobody is there to help.

I perhaps got my head-strongness and independence from him. I learned quickly that when I get into a trouble, sitting down and weeping wishing to get an attention from others, or soaking in the pity party doesn’t help the situation at all. If I cannot take care of my own life and put it in a proper order, how can I be responsible for my family life in the future? Now it comes naturally to me to analyze, plan, implement and evaluate everything in life.

I recall, for this reason, God had to show me how helpless I am without him, through many situations in life. Again and again I would habitually plan, revise and push it through, replying upon my wisdom and strength other than God’s. Few times He drove me to the corner where although I’m doing everything right and it just doesn’t produce the result I expected. Until the moment I faint in frustration and crying out, he would push me to the edge and just little more. And just the moment I  let it go and fall off the cliff, then, he catches me with his hands

Looking back, I am grateful that he allowed me through those tough times. It must’ve been hard for him to see me in a bad shape and not helping, but he had to, for my own sake. Now I know because of those times I grew to know Him the way I do now, and still learning. My God turned the sorrow into joy, weeping into dancing, and His name is glorified in my praise and thanksgiving.

Truth is, miracle happens because of an impossible situation. 

the end of the road

Once I have settled down in Australia My brother who is 11 years younger than me came to join me. To send their kids to overseas to study was a big dream of many Korean parents. Since it wasn’t my brother’s own decision to go, although he ‘agreed’ to go, there were times he insisted to give up and go back to Korea in the middle of the school year. To pacify his frequent homesickness, I sent him back home twice a year which resulted in me hardly being able to save up.

There was a moment that I was called up by his school principle and being called as an inadequate guardian due to his rebellion in class. His first serious girlfriend was a non-christian to start with. There was a time that I was overwhelmed by having to live a life of a single mom and cried out for a freedom. But there were definitely countless joyful moments, like driving to nearby islands and sleeping over, parties and fellowships, him playing a bass in the band, and him completing the architecture degree in one of the best universities in the world.

Josh 2004

most recent

Turning 21, he decided to go back to South Korea to serve in the national army, because his choice was to remain as a Korean. He has just arrived in Seoul yesterday, without any guarantee to go back to Australia any time soon. I feel perplexed, knowing that I will be in Australia alone, again. Knowing it still my decision was to call Australia home. I guess there is no perfect place as long as we live on the imperfect earth..

This Christmas our family will be gathering in one place for a first time in 11 years. We will take a upgraded family picture and we will all look so different. Now sister is married with a 6-year-old girl. One thing that did not changed is the Lord who held us together in his safe hands. Once again, we will gather in our living room, and talk about our journeys in different parts of the world and the Lord’s faithfulness on us, for a long, long time.

Discipleship

Keep your fluid up

You can safely distrust a nurse a who does not believe in drinking water. Water flushes away the toxin and impurities concentrated in body system, it lubricates organs, balances the pressure, temperature and sugar level, protects and maximizes the function of joint, bone, muscle, skin and just about everything in the body.

Water is like a budget. If you don’t have enough of it to use, you will have to cut down other areas except absolute necessity such as food and lodging. No more costly hobby, eating out, or an entertainment. In the same way, if body doesn’t get enough water to use, it compromises the function from every other body parts except heart and brain.

As time goes, this tendency is fixed and you body survives with less and less water while its function compromised. On the contrary, if you maintain the healthy habit of drinking 1.5~2 L of water per day, you feel the thirst easily because now your body is thriving towards its maximal function. Many symptoms and diseases can be avoided and significantly reduced by simply drinking enough of water throughout the day.

Such is with our intake of the ‘living water’. If you don’t drink it enough, you struggle through day by day, compromised and malfunctioned even without realizing it, barely surviving. But if you build the healthy habit of keeping the fluid up, your body will want more and more of it for the optimal potential of what it can be. Someone who is used to hearing the voice of God and leading of the Spirit everyday feels anxious and agitated when it gets quiet. The spiritual thirst gets the best of him and he desires and confesses for more of Jesus every moment.

Do you drink a sip of water only after the meal? Do you call Jesus only before the meal? Perhaps we are barely surviving each day even without seeing what or how it could’ve been if we called upon Jesus every single moment of time. Perhaps we are missing out on the encounter at the Jacob’s well, even without realizing what we’ve just missed. Don’t you think it’s sad?

“If anyone thirsts, let him come to Me and drink.” (Jn 7:37)