your world, my world

I have been warned about this.

When Doulos was being decommissioned, we have been taught about the expected pain of re-entry. It includes inability to ‘fit in’ to our own culture, frustration by lack of interest or superficial questions, radical change of personal value system, loneliness, disappointment by materialism and even overwherming adjustment to much complex life style.

It was a such a painful week. It hurts when I see left over food, when I shower under a hot water, I mean, running water. It hurts to have no one who really identifies, it hurts to feel so small and inadequate in this huge world of needs. The safety of the workers and children I left behind concerns me. It hurts to be so comfortable and safe, earning so much money, and being around people who have everything and dissatisfied.

I muster up the courage and finally looked through the pictures again after a week has passed. I printed out some, sort them out by files, and chose couple of pictures to frame. It was like a healing therapy to me. We laughed a lot, cried a lot, at times ran away for life, questioned God without answers, and just shared  of being human. I read over 10 books during this time and it changed me inside out.

There are so many who have forsaken all for the greater cause. I met few of them in a real person. Hearing their stories and doing life with them was an incredible honor. And through them I heard even more incredible stories of others in various places. But they are not to be famous or revealed-eventually real storeis are only told by word of mouth. You are not insane to have a radical passion. There are a lot of them out there.

This boy has a name- NAPOLEON.

Ps wn claimed “We are a Great Commission believing church, Amen?” Something burst inside my chest, something was chocking in my throat. What did Jesus say as he die? What did Jesus prayed for on that last night of his life?  What did he died for anyway? Yes, For me. But as much as it is for me, it was For them too!

I can’t do everything but I must do something. I know this for sure, I run away no more.

Because Jesus is worth everything, or nothing.

A night in the bamboo hse

Doo’s house was one of the better houses, the wall and the floor was woovened bamboo sticks, with no door. I am invited to sleep here tonight.

Doo’s husband saw me first and greeted in Burmese. He spoke something to his daughter then she ran into the house and waved at me to come up. Bamboo floor was making loud noises at my every step. Please don’t collapse. Inside house was a TV and an wooden wardrobe. Little Momo turned the TV on and it shows Korean drama series. Beautiful house and beautiful people flashed in the screen as little Momo was watching the ‘Full House’ in the empty house. She looked back at me, proudly pointing at the screen with a big smile.

We sat on the small table at the living room which was about the size of a single mattress. Few thumb sized bony chicken pieces and unknown vegetabables were for our dinner. Few ants browsed around in my plate, wanting to steal some rice.

Suddenly fierce rain began to pour. The sound of rain on the metal roof was so loud we could heard hear each other. Soon rain was dripping through the roof. Doo placed a bucket under where the water was leaking. Soon rain drops travelled along the angle of the roof and began to drop from different spot. We all sat on the bamboo floor, looking up the raining ceiling.

Then I saw a couple with a small baby sitting on a corner of the house. I didn’t even hear them coming in. Doo said that their house was totally wet, so they came to stay over that night. They were given the living room area to sleep. Although on that side of the house, through the bamboo wall, rain splashed in continuously, they were just grateful to have a piece of floor to sit on.

The small baby girl were struggling over Momo’s toy. Momo’s father wacked the floor with bamboo cane to threaten her. As she began to cry out aloud, her father picked her up by the arms and brought her out. Soon we could hear the slapping sound on flash. The baby girl cried hystercally. Instantly I understood that the baby’s father was ashamed by the little girl, he was trying to save his face by punishing her harshly. The girl continued to cry until we all had enough of it.

Doo, Momo and I settled into one mattress with moskito net over us. Momo seemed to feel safe when lie down between us. Linens were wet and smelly because of rain. I was in my jean and belt. I felt like I’m in a whole body plater. Besides we were all lie down with mud packed feet because on our way to outside squat toilet was all mudded by the rain. Honestly I wanted a hot shower, like RIGHT NOW! in my clean crispy PJ, on my snuggly bed, with glass window on this rainy. Umm, jazz music.. It was almost frustrating to realize how much I got used to the convenient life style.

Doo and Momo soon soundly asleep. Rain drops kept screaming away as they crash on the roof top, occassional cold splash of water on my face frightened me. Through the gaps on bamboo walls squeezed yellow street light. It was like being in a cave with hundreds of glow worms..

This was how Doo slept every night. This was how she lived every day..

ps. Two days later her roof has been fixed with special glue. They called it a ‘miracle’. Today her neighbour asked whether her roof can be fixed too. She made a big circle with her two hands, to show how big the hole was.

The only way North

It read..

My choice was to either follow and believe, or not. I understand the risk. There were never any gurantees. The truth is that we can never escape that risk.

There are things in life that are far worse than death. Is being alive for 80 years really any longer than 18 years? Our life is just a breath, whether we die old and gray or young and vibrant. When death comes for us it will not matter how many years we managed to pereserve our existance but rather what we did with the short time we were given on this earth.

The most horrible and terrifying thing is the thought that I could spend my whole existance minimizing the risk I take, living ignorantly convinced of my safety, rejecting the purpose I was created for, and then someday wake up an old man and see that my life has passed before me, and now with death knocking on my door realizing that in all my years, I have never truly lived.

We each have a destiny, a legend that only we can live. To embrace it is scary and dangerous, and most choose not to. Most put it off until tomorrow, until after college, until after establishing financial base. Can’t they see? Tomorrow may never come. Not to drop everything and move to Africa, but to find the passion that is inside us and embrace it, to listen to its SUBTLE WHISPERS…

 

The author of this book lost his own brother from this journey, but without regret..He knows his brother would have never regretted of that decision.

Stories..31/12/09

#1

Last night, I locked myself out. We tried with knives etc, but nothing worked. Because I was so desperate to get into the house, finally guys decided to ‘break in’ to my house. You should’ve seen this. He smashed the round knob with thick timber stick, BANG!BANG! and the whole handle thing came off! There was just a fist size hole left on the door!  

Looking into the room through that big hole, I thought, If I’m being this stubborn and hard hearted, please don’t just stand there and knock. Make sure you smash the lock so that you can come in, although it may mean it will leave the big hole in my heart.

That night I got a lot of mozzy bites.

# 2

It must be the Korean dramas. Me and David has been requested to sing at the Christmas celebration simply because we were Koreans! At first I was going to decline, but then again, why not make the most of every given opportunities? So I purposely added my Story of new life with the introduction of the song. So far we made few song presentations in Australia, Singapore, Thailand and Myanma.

Today we realised what it is like to live in a small village.  People began to recognize us from the street and shops. Even the shop owner I bought some stuffs from, said  “Are you the one who sang in the Meeting last night?”

But she didn’t give us any discount though.

# 3

After I gave a glasses to an old man with poor vision,  many people came for a glasses. Some were genuine but some just wanted this fancy thing regardless of the vision. It was obvious when they pretend not to see well – very funny. I say to them through the translator.

“Go home and eat carrots.”

# 4

After some window shopping, we asked David, “Did you get some discount from that shop?” David answered, “No, because when I asked for more discount, she kept saying ’I may die, I may die’, so I just gave her the price.”

Actually what she was saying was “Thai Mai Dai” ( “I don’t speak thai” in Thai) And she was saying this because she thought that David was Thai.

 # 5

Happy New Year!!!

Does it get any better than this? – 22/12/09

If you are right here with me now, you would remember it as one of the most peaceful and fulfilling moment. If you feel this cool breezing on your skin, breathing this fresh air, hear the crickets singing out in the field, and look up the millions of crystal shining stars and even milkyway on the night sky.. And my two boys (David, and a dude from Holland) are silently reading the Book for hours. Maybe they are in Jerusalem somewhere, seeing the miracles.

This is my life, for now.  It doesn’t get much better than this.

* * * * 

I thought about being forgotten. Being forgotten by people I considered close, by the society that goes well without me, and by the responsibilities that I once hold on tightly. People will move on, studying, working, marrying, chatting which restaurant is nice, such and such is pretty or handsome, my wage is too low maybe I should change a job..and so on. What would it be like, ppl say about me “Yeah, I remember her, some years ago, I wonder what she’s doing now. Anyway what’s for dinner?”

The first thing I’ve learnt from the trip was that I can live when My plan get messed up. It’s not the end of the world when I lose a lot of money, which I did. It’s OKAY when My life takes a detour and ends up in unexpected place without preperation. It’s not about what I can complish during the trip, what I will bring back, or even how I contribute to the whole picture. It’s just not about ME!

And I should say, now life doesn’t get much better than this.

I’ve seen many even amongst those who are Truth followers still searching for a life full of meaning and purpose, but actually living in many fears – fear of missing out, fear of being forgotten, fear of not enjoying all the things they enjoy, fear of the uncertainty of future, fear of failure, and a lot of worries comes with it. They eager for more but one more day has gone by in busyness, again.

Read Acts. Yes, read about the man who lived a life full of passion, every minute of it. So much so that he did’t fear any opposition comes on his way. People will always want more, better and bigger things in life, and it will be an endless chase unless they themselves put a Stop to it. Enemy diligently deceives people that if they have more, they will be happier. Big fat lie. I have nothing here and I don’t miss any of what! I forgot that I even had them.

I confess that it’s been many years that, I spend more time reading the Book than sitting in front of the computer. It’s been really a while that I hear the crickets singing under the stars, and wake up by the rooster clock. I actually feel like I want to get up. And when I get up I know what I am here for. It’s quite amazing. Yes, for now, life doesn’t get much better than this.

I think I am okay to be forgotten behind the dinner menu.

Diary-19/12/09

It’s like I time travelled backwards in this place. Often I forget what day or what time of the day it is. We roughly just go by the temperature of the day or degree of darkness. Rooster seems roostering any time of the day (yes, but especially in the morning), and at night all the dogs of the town come out and barking to each other to claim their territory.

Last night the team visited a house for gathering. There were 14 adults and 3 kids (i laughed at myself- whenever people sit or stand in circles, I start counting them!) As the time go by it became so dark that we couldn’t see each other. A lady light up 4 small candles as we are to read the holy book together. 3 adults and 2 kids were crowded around the open book as a men brings the small candle light nearer to the book, while trying not to drop a wax on the book. The rest of the room were in total darkness. David couldn’t stop weeping and kept reaching for a tissue.

At the clinic I serve, a lady came to report the headlice amongst the kids in the dorm. She said they applied insects killing poison on their head to kill the lice. I was frightened. This is the kind of poison if the kids eat the poison, they will die, if it gets into their eye, they will go blind. I gave special shampoo for a headlice to her, and get her to use fine comb to comb the kid’s hair and kill the lice with a fingernail when it drops on the floor. Otherwise they will jump on to other kids’ hair and it will spread very fast. I felt breathless by their lack of knowledge and the danger they face.

We know that for the sore throat, drink warm water with honey. If feeling faint while working under a hot sun, drink heaps of water and rest in the shade. If fell down and have wounded, wash with warm salty water. For chill, cover the person. For fever, sponge with cold water and fan until the body cools down. Basic knowledge! But nobody taught them. Because their parents do not know, the kids do not know as well. Medication in such village and circumstances are limited, if people begin to rely on the medications, it will just weaken their immune system, and one day medications will run out. So I don’t give away medications too easily, but promote strengthening of the self- healing.

I hope that before I leave this town, I can do some health education to the village people. With the word of mouth the knowledge will pass down the generation, and people won’t just simply turn up at the clinic for ‘Magic pill’ – Paracetamol.

Please continue to rember us, especially for the safety. We are only a few minutes away from the armed force, and can be attacked any minute of the day.  Few foreigners has been previously captured for the exchange of money and even harmed of their lives. Although I am an asian, compare to their very dark brown skin I look very bright, and also we have a caucasian in the team. (We don’t worry very much about David. LOL. Kidding, please remember him as well..)

Arh. Time for a breakfast.

Use me

“Would he thank the servant because he did what he was told to do?” So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.”

Luke 17:9-10

It is easy to understand that I am a friend of Jesus. It is easy to see us as a child of God the father. But I have never had a maid or servant, never seen them in real action, until very recently. 

I was invited by family who had maids. The dinner and entertainment was provided for the guests. While the guests were enjoying the night, maids were busy in the kitchen. The dinner was  nice but they don’t get the compliments. Rather, we thank the hostess who has invited us. Whenever we need something, the master commanded the servant to attend our needs. Even then, the master gets the glory. 

Fair enough, we sing a song ‘I am a friend of God~~’ But we should not forget that We are serving the Lord. The fear of the Lord should not be replaced by the intimacy with God. I would be totally shocking if the master calls maids to join the dinner table and eat with them! After that the meaning of these words comes as a new revelation.

“I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.”

John 15:13-15

Servanthood has been something that was in my mind in planning this trip. Yes surely things were messed up and turned upside down. I observed how upset I was, when things were not happening according to My plan. But, yes, surely my master has the right to relocate and replace me wherever he wants to. Obedience is my part to play.

Yes, let Your will be done.