“..I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free..”
-Daleth, the Psalmist.
I am speechless before God. While I was preparing the lesson for the care group tonight, I was reminded once again how miraculously he has set me free from my past. My life wasn’t exactly that of committed believer of Christ, even though I am not proud of it, but I am not shameful of it either because it reveals the great hands of God in my life.
I wasn’t wanted from my own family, being bullied by the whole class, belittled by authorities and betrayed by someone I trusted. But whatever I have experienced, Jesus have experienced more. And so much more! I refused to open up because of the fear and insecurity, then loneliness became my second name. Jesus must’ve been doing so much more works because of my stubborn heart.
Tonight I talked about the how the emotional wounds and traumatic events from the past affects the way we think and behave. A lot of them comes from that hurt and unfulfilled need to be loved, people can be defensive, demading, avoiding, critical to others, posessive, or attention seeking even to the point of having actual physical pain with no specific reason. We would not understand why we feel the way we feel unless we revisit that painful place where it all began.
In the light of his truth, he revealed to me of my heart condition and guide me to revisit those experiences one by one. A lot of times I have reacted in denial, saying “I have no issue with that.” But it was simply because it was too painful to admit. I used all my will power to delete that memory, it was as if waking up from the deep sleep in the day light. It so bright, my eyes hurt when the light of truth shone on me. For long I refused to open my eyes, until the dim light gets familiar to my eyes, then I wanted to see, see straight to the sun, the glory of God.
Many tears, many tears. He healed me, He set me free from many bondages I tied myself with. He untangled the strings around me and pull me out of the box I locked myself in. And from then on, I can’t live without him. I have decided to give myself to him so that many others like me would eperience the freedom they’ve never known..I may be small..yeah, tiny, but if God can use anything he surely can use me.
Tonight as I was teaching and sharing, My heart was full of gratitude to my Lord. I mean, what am I God you use me..What am I God, you are so good to me..I really have no idea what have I done to receive this grace. Nothing..it just leave me in total speechless in thanksgiving to my God..he really never gave up on me.
Even in this moment he is doing that deep work in people’s heart, and I do not know any other place I’d rather be, than right where the transformation of lives are happening.
