Dying Wish

Below are reportedly the top five regrets of dying, witnessed by a palliative nurse in UK.

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

“This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.”

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

“This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.”

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

“Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.”

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

“Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.”

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

“This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.”

What’s your greatest regret so far, and what will you set out to achieve or change before you die?

 

Ask Seek Knock

An email I received yesterday has brought a storm to me.

Few weeks ago I have applied for the renewal of the nursing license and the government nursing department is asking for the official letter from the Phil nursing body to be sent to the government directly that I had a permission to practice nursing overseas. There is no such letter to start with, and technically by that time my nursing license has expired back in Aus, and I lost the license when my wallet was stolen. Now the government health department is saying that they will not issue the license without the document which is impossible for me to provide.

Easily I reached to the corner where I should think about ‘the worst’, which is the end of my 10 years of nursing career. Nursing is the only thing that I know how to. Nursing means to me the level of lifestyle, professional development, social status, personal identity, and paying of the bills. If I am to start something new now I possibly do not have resources to re-educate myself in the new area. Momentary panic hit me hard and I felt numb for a while.

That night I went for a night prayer service with heavy heart. The pastor shared about ‘Ask, Seek and Knock’ passage in the Bible. The point of the words is more than simply ‘pray and you will receive what you want.’ It is that God knows our needs, and will give the ‘good things’ to the children even when they ask for the bad/wrong things (Read Mattew 7:7-11 slowly, for a new insight!) The point of prayer is not to twist God’s arm for what we want, but to restore and maintain the intimacy with the Father who will give us according to His good, perfect and pleasing will.

I realized that God is so desperate to restore the intimacy with me, he would do anything to reconcile with me, because if I dismiss him due to the busy life (or sufficient life in that sense) I am going to lose my soul and purpose of living at all. There and then, the strange inner peace found me back,. If I die I die, Queen Esther said, because she recognized the sovereignty of God over the situation. Esther lee must do the same. If I’m in the place that I cannot do anything to change the situation, still I know that His hand is over me.

On Monday, one phone call will reveal the result of my inquiry. Lord, let your will be done. I know that they  have the only authority allowed by you, and for that, I am ready.

Nursing or No Nursing, I will follow you.

On Ownership

To be honest, I moved in to the current house mostly because of the feeling that it was meant for me by God. I got a bacterial infection on my first week and had to take the antibiotics for 2 weeks. 7 people sharing an old wooden house, rather cluttered and covered in dust and cat hairs (2 cats in the house) would not have been my natural choice. I was looking for a master room with clean carpeted floor and an en suite at about double the price of my current rent.

Well, God has a cheeky sense of humor, I should admit. I realized that if I have to live here, I’m gonna have to make a difference here. So, firstly toilets and bathrooms were attacked, some mushrooms plucked from inside the shower booth and I’m not even joking! Toilet bowls and wash basins have changed the color from brown to sparkly white. Amount of cobwebs removed could possibly be made into a sweater, every items in the shelf were taken out and rearranged in order. Then I went downstairs bathroom which I never use and scrubbed the toilet bowls and walls. After weeks of internal renovation, finally all 7 of us got our name signs stuck on the door. Having my morning meditation, I look up the sky, I am grateful to God, even for moving into the rather hygienically challenging house and make a difference in where he sent me.

I wondered, would people take care of others possession in a same they would do for their own? If not, why? Unfortunately, people are basically selfish beings, just like the workers in the vineyard who questioned the master for paying the new workers who has joined only later in the evening the same wages as them. If they can get by without being caught most people would choose to take the easy way out. Perhaps this is why communism is an ideal yet unrealistic social ideology, because when something belongs to everybody it belongs to nobody.

I see the only context this can work is perhaps in ideal christian community or in heaven. We saw this happened in the early church fellowship, which is a big missing element in today’s society. All I have can be packed into a travel luggage in few minutes, but I feel rich for having God who owns everything. Could it possibly be the key to the Apostle Paul’s “secret of being content in any and every situation” (Phil 4:12)?

Jesus possessed nothing but He owned everything.

On Being Normal

I will never forget a mistake that I made while I was talking to one of my colleagues. Seeing the ring on his ring finger, I asked “So, when are you going to get married?” He answered. “When it’s legal.” Up until then, I have never seen a gay person, let alone talking to one of them. I can guess that the look on face was too obvious to go unnoticed. I desperately tried to say something but I got totally tongue tied. Then he asked, “When are you gonna get married?” and this is what tumbled out of me. “Well, just a normal way, when I find someone, get engaged and then get married..”

Unfortunately he understood my answer as to referring him as being ‘abnormal’. Perhaps I was, being shocked from learning that he is living with a ‘partner’ who is apparently also a male. He didn’t took it very well, he flipped around the pages of the magazine I was reading and said cynically “Look at these women, how filthy and skimpy they are! Shouldn’t they all be “normal” like you?” Then he slammed the door behind him and stormed out of the room.

Now, about ten years passed since then. I was talking to another Western man about the topic of relationship. When he learned of my view on marriage and abstinence from sex before marriage, he, without thinking too much, said. ” Well, normal people would move in with a partner, coz they need a better privacy…” Interesting. “I’m not ‘normal’, huh?” That moment I saw what it would have been my facial expression ten years ago during the conversation with my colleague.

What is ‘being normal’? Conforming to the standard of the society? So who is normal and abnormal depends on the behavior patterns of the majority in the community? but how do we take in that in some countries, eating with hands is ‘normal’ thing, in Korea plastic surgery and guys applying light makeup is normal, in Australia walking around in a barefoot outside of the house or getting their entire body shaved is considered normal. The thing is, everybody judge others according to their own standard and life experiences.

While the environment defines the normality or abnormality of the individual, we have the anchor of what we believe and who we are, that is unchangeable. Romans 12:2 says “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” That to me, says that I shouldn’t be care less about what the world think of me but to be concerned of what God would think of me. Lord, help us to maintain the sound mind and the clear conscience in your holy presence. (Coram Deo)

“…I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world…” (1 Pet 2:11)